Always Choices, and Everything is Change

I’m sitting on the couch watching No Impact Man (which I love,) and trying to get motivated to do more work. I promised a classmate that I would help her with our statistics project, and I haven’t done that yet. I don’t want to read anymore today. I spent something like six hours reading today, and I’m sort of over it. I also need to create a PowerPoint template for a group project, and that idea exhausts me as well. I really need to pull it together. Running? Need to, don’t want to, and it’s getting critical if I really think that I’m going to run/walk thirteen miles in three weeks.

School is still awesome, but I’m so painfully aware of all of my own crappy issues right now. I think that I notice it so much sooner when I do something mean or stupid. And it’s painful to realize that I’ve said or done something mean or stupid, and then I have to go back and work it out, with myself or with the person to whom I was mean or stupid. And I’ve been struggling with “fitting in” in the classroom environment, which seems to activate all of my ego issues. So I’m talking a LOT and I’m on my high horse a lot instead of just letting things flow and being myself. And of course, again, I can see it happening but I’m¬†always a step behind, not in time to just curtail whatever objectionable behavior I’m up to. I’m trying to observe this behavior and not be super critical of myself, and then to try to not do it again or to just do it less often. I’ll have to see how it goes. I’m almost through the first semester, I have a LOT of change in my life right now, and there is going to be some weirdness for me. So I’m just going to keep chugging along and see who I’m becoming, and try not to drive myself crazy or exhibit massive assholiness in the process. I’ll work it all out.

There has been knitting. I knit a lot last weekend, mostly the shawl in the picture above. I’m chipping away at the edging, and that might be what I want to do tonight. My knitting in class this week was way off, because I have just been tired. I realized that I need to start any Christmas knitting that I want to do, and immediately. My last day of my old job is this Wednesday, three days from now. That should give me a little space to keep ahead on my assignments, knit a little more, and maintain some sanity via fiber therapy.

I can’t complain. My life is good. My worst day right now is better than the most of the best days that I’ve had for more than a decade. I feel really alive. My brain is humming with new info, and I am stretching and growing in new ways. Right now, that is everything that I want.


Published in: on October 25, 2010 at 4:37 am  Leave a Comment