I’m sitting on the couch watching No Impact Man (which I love,) and trying to get motivated to do more work. I promised a classmate that I would help her with our statistics project, and I haven’t done that yet. I don’t want to read anymore today. I spent something like six hours reading today, and I’m sort of over it. I also need to create a PowerPoint template for a group project, and that idea exhausts me as well. I really need to pull it together. Running? Need to, don’t want to, and it’s getting critical if I really think that I’m going to run/walk thirteen miles in three weeks.

School is still awesome, but I’m so painfully aware of all of my own crappy issues right now. I think that I notice it so much sooner when I do something mean or stupid. And it’s painful to realize that I’ve said or done something mean or stupid, and then I have to go back and work it out, with myself or with the person to whom I was mean or stupid. And I’ve been struggling with “fitting in” in the classroom environment, which seems to activate all of my ego issues. So I’m talking a LOT and I’m on my high horse a lot instead of just letting things flow and being myself. And of course, again, I can see it happening but I’m always a step behind, not in time to just curtail whatever objectionable behavior I’m up to. I’m trying to observe this behavior and not be super critical of myself, and then to try to not do it again or to just do it less often. I’ll have to see how it goes. I’m almost through the first semester, I have a LOT of change in my life right now, and there is going to be some weirdness for me. So I’m just going to keep chugging along and see who I’m becoming, and try not to drive myself crazy or exhibit massive assholiness in the process. I’ll work it all out.

There has been knitting. I knit a lot last weekend, mostly the shawl in the picture above. I’m chipping away at the edging, and that might be what I want to do tonight. My knitting in class this week was way off, because I have just been tired. I realized that I need to start any Christmas knitting that I want to do, and immediately. My last day of my old job is this Wednesday, three days from now. That should give me a little space to keep ahead on my assignments, knit a little more, and maintain some sanity via fiber therapy.

I can’t complain. My life is good. My worst day right now is better than the most of the best days that I’ve had for more than a decade. I feel really alive. My brain is humming with new info, and I am stretching and growing in new ways. Right now, that is everything that I want.

G.

I was up at 5:00 this morning, which isn’t that unusual. My eyes just pop open at that time, end of story. The weird thing is that I might be getting a handle on this school thing. It hasn’t been horrible, and I really love the whole experience; but I always feel as if I’m running a few steps behind. I constructed this excruciatingly meticulous calendar in iCal, and I’m constantly surprised by assignments that I forgot or something new that a professor updated in the middle of the night. So this week, I acknowledge that I can’t take Saturday and/or Sunday off, completely. I have to be on the job every day. If I really want a clean house, I have to hustle. If I don’t want to be up the night before a deadline writing a paper, I have to stay on top of the reading. So I feel better right now. I had my coffee, the laundry is going, and I’m already 1.5 articles into a 4-article paper that’s due on Thursday. Boo. Yah.

I got some grades this week, and that makes me happy. People keep telling me “Grades don’t really matter in grad school,” and I keep thinking, “Who are you freaks??” Seriously, I understand that if you’re not trying to get into a PhD program, it’s only the licensure that matters. But I am; so I care, a lot.

Didn’t actually get any knitting done this week. I’ve only been knitting in class, and I’m trying to change that. This week, I was just tired and worn down, so I didn’t even knit there. It is Socktober, so I stopped in at my LYS and picked up some bright crimson sock yarn. And I have some pretty Regia from the week before. I’ve decided that I’ll stop in at the store every week to buy enough yarn for at least one pair of socks until it really starts to seem imprudent to do so. We’re not there yet.

Oh, and after not wanting to constantly be plugged in all the time for so many years, I’ve become one of those people who wanders around, looking for free wi-fi. It would be funny, if it didn’t feel so much like an addiction.

And that’s all. I’m trying to manage my hopes and my expectations, my time and my disappointments. So far, so good.

G.

PS – Finally saw Paranormal Activity yesterday. Yikes! I can’t say it was exactly scary, but it was incredibly, freaking disturbing. (shudder) I won’t be watching that again, anytime soon.

It’s funny how quickly your life can change. I got into grad school, I’m attending full-time, and my life is a happy round of papers and presentations and research. It seems as if it happened very quickly. Once I realized that the class schedule wouldn’t allow me to work full-time, I quit my job, agreed to stay on part-time for a few months, and now I’m mostly a student. I’ve been afraid of lay-offs for the past few years, and I pared my lifestyle to the bare bone. So I can afford to live on a shoe string for a couple of years, and things are going pretty well (knock wood.)

And it’s a blast. I love my classes. I love the work that I’m doing. I’m frequently sleep deprived and addled and drag around like a zombie (the slow kind.) But this is so good. SO good!

A lot of my friends wonder how I could give up graphic design. That’s easy: I haven’t. I don’t think you ever stop being a designer. I’ve been playing with fabric and fiber and paints and pencils for as long as I can remember. So that’s never really going anywhere. Right now, though, I’m in between careers and it is a little weird. I still consider myself a graphic designer. But I’m also starting to think of myself as a mental health practitioner. I think that’s a good thing.

At any rate, I know that I need to update patterns for you guys. I haven’t had time to go on Ravelry, or to fix the broken pattern links there. Many apologies! I’ll try to do that this weekend. I’m thinking about some new stuff, too. Seems that when I’m using one side of my brain too much, the other side starts to fire itself up to compete for time. Maybe I’ll have to do some research, and see why that is. And to keep myself busy, I’ve begun what feels like the beginning of an epic sock binge, while I sit in lectures. Now how do you like that?

I also bought a laptop for school (MacBook, baby!) So maybe portable blogging just got easier? We’ll see.

Mad Love,

G.

Playing right now: Essential Alice in Chains and Nick Drake Five Leaves Left

Guess I missed a few weeks. I can’t believe I’ve been so busy. That’s not a bad thing; it just always surprises me. Unfortunately, missing a bit leaves me with all of these things that I’ve seen and want to talk about, and then I have to resist writing a 20-page post for everyone’s sake.

So where to start? Well, I got a very lovely surprise in the mail. Came home the other night and there was a package with yarn and a nice Rowan magazine in my mail bin. Thanks Glacia! The colors of the yarn are lovely. And in spite of my knit-drought, I felt inspired the minute I touched the yarn. The feel of the wool under my hands made me want to drag out my needles. I haven’t yet, but I know that I will today. There are also quite a few patterns that I want to make from the Rowan. I really don’t like Other People’s Patterns, most of the time. But I saw some things in the magazine, some nice layering pieces, that might be nice for work, and even for Paris in the winter. J’adore!

Been finding a creative outlet with my ongoing interest in artists trading cards and the Doodle Swap Project. I’ve been doing this with a group of friends for the past year or so, and the project is growing. It forces me to think creatively, even when my mind wants to be lazy. And when the mail starts coming in, I have all of these beautiful, miniature pieces of art from around the world. You should give it a try, if you’re artistically inclined.

Still want to write a bit of a review of Indian Rezervation Blues and More, but I have this idea that I want to listen to all three disks from end to end. I’ll try to do that this weekend.

Last week was Record Store Day! It’s a day for supporting your local, indie record stores instead of doling out money to the big chains. I get a lot of my stuff from Amazon and iTunes, I can’t lie. But I’m now determined to spend a lot more time at my local store. I’ve been passing a place that’s not ten minutes from here, and they have vinyl, used and rare stuff. It was nice to finally visit, and I was only too happy to part with my money. I’m not going to bore you with the whole list (I think,) but it went something like this: Best of the Ramones; Sex Pistols Never Mind the Bollocks; Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings 100 Days 100 Nights; Keith Jarrett Works; Best of Dinosaur Jr.; The Music of Keith Jarrett; Dave Brubeck Solo Piano.  Phew! There were also giveaways, so you’d think that’d be enough music for the week. NOT SO! I think I’m giving in to this drive to collect everything that I want before I start school and spend all of my money on books, instead. I had just downloaded I Learned the Hard Way by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings that same morning. That group is a whole post, in itself, but not today. Then, I went home and realized that I’d missed Dark Side of the Moon by Flaming Lips  feat. Henry Rollins. So I bought that from Amazon, too. Last night? Well, I think that stopping at the record store could be my new Friday ritual. I’m backtracking and reliving a lot of rock that I missed in the 80s and 90s and now, so I got Alice in Chains Black Gives Way to Blue, Essential Alice in Chains, Black Flag Louie Louie, and Nick Drake Five Leaves Left. Excellent take! I only wish they’d had some Pantera!

Now… My new love of  last week was Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, which is why I have to get back to them later. This week is Brad Mehldau. I first heard him when I created some stations on last.fm for Bill Evans and Keith Jarrett. I had my doubts about him. He’s well known for his covers of Radiohead songs, which didn’t inspire confidence in me. (Wait.. insert 20 minute phone call from my mom HERE.) I’m a little snotty about jazz. With no disrespect to the Kenny Gs of the world, that’s not jazz to me. That’s easy listening. It’s just taking the words away from the music, and playing the melody. For me, jazz is about deconstruction; if you’re going to play something, you need to take it apart and put it back together in way that’s totally new, complex and thought-provoking. I don’t want easy-listening. I want my heart squeezed so hard by the music that I think I’m dying with the passion of it.  So I’m happy to find that that’s what you get with Brad Mehldau. I bought Highway Rider, and I’m passionately in love. It’s epic, the orchestrations are huge and lush, and Mehldau is a musician’s musician. I couldn’t resist, so I also bought Day is Done. Not disappointed yet. I love, love, love this guy. I often listen to modern musicians and wonder who we’ll be looking at as masters in fifty years. I think Mehldau might be one of them. (This is also what led me to Nick Drake. People keep comparing Mehldau’s phrasing to Drake, so I  had to seek him out. Guess who else I love, now?)

And last, but not least, I don’t think that I’ve mentioned that this is now a 3-Cat House. Tigger came to live here last October. Her human is in the military and couldn’t be with her, so she came to live with us full-time. It was a rough transition, but things have started to settle down. Tigger is very Tigger-like, and almost takes my feet out from under me when she runs by. She “chats” a lot (all the time); I have no idea what she’s saying, but she’s getting stuff off her chest. Rock on, kitty!

Oh, and I’ve been neglecting the Mighty Rollins Kindle! I’ve been dragging around Preferred Blur in regular book form, and I’m finishing that today. So I can get back to my beloved Kindle again. Thanks Hank! Oh, and there was a scuffed book sale at Akashic Books, so I ordered four books. I’ve been wanting to read some stuff from their City Noir series, so I bought Paris Noir and Miami Noir. Someday, if I’m super lucky and very diligent, maybe one of my stories will be included in one of the Noir books. At least it’s something to aspire to.

Been sitting here forever, and I have a big day ahead. I’ve also been slowly building a home gym, and today I have to pick up my elliptical and put it together. I guess I’d better get moving.

Mad Love,

G.

My CDs came today! Thank you French Amazon! J’taime, chere! It’s even infinitely more amazing than I thought it might be . BABY! You know there’s a long review coming, but not tonight. Tonight, I’m wiped out. It’s been a long week, and it’s only Thursday. More to go. Miles to go before I sleep, and all that good stuff. (Though I have to say that quiet, dark, deep woods might creep me out a bit. Read the poem. Don’t make me explain it.) I’ve been training and cross-training like a crazy woman. This is my first night off since Sunday. I’ve been biking, rowing and running diligently. But I’m also done in. I actually overslept this morning, which really didn’t make my life any easier.

Knitting? Not. Want to, but I need some organization and a point of reference. I need to get things where I can I find them. That’s for this weekend, too.

So I come home at night and read and crash. It’s not bad.

Mad Love,

G.

Tig is sitting in my lap, and I am listening to the amazing Pura Fé. I’ve been catching up on the Native American music scene all week, and I am  so far beyond happy that there isn’t even a word for it. There was new stuff from my favorites, and I have been an ordering and downloading fool all week. This is really great music, and it sucks that you’ll probably never hear it on mainstream radio. But it’s easy enough to find, these days if you’re looking for it.

I think that the first time that I heard live Native American music was at The Wetlands in New York City. (They’ve long since closed, which makes me sad.) I’d heard a group called Ulali on the soundtrack of a a movie called Smoke Signals, and I had to hear them live. This group of three women came onstage with drums and just started belting out this music that was part soul, part blues, part traditional Native American, and that was it. I was a fan of Ulali for life. Unfortunately, the group didn’t stay together. The internet wasn’t then what it is now, so keeping up with new music and ordering hard to find CDs wasn’t yet an easy thing. I got into a few Native American rock bands and hung around the powwow circuit, but there was just nothing like Ulali.

A few years ago, it occurred to me to do a search, and I found Pura Fé again. Pura Fé founded Ulali, and she was still singing on her own. I grabbed Follow Your Heart’s Desire on iTunes or Amazon a while ago, and there was the same, raw, pure voice that I remembered. There is a notable vocal resemblance to Janis Joplin, but there is a warmth and sweetness that is absent in Joplin. I have this theory that any music that makes me want to weep is the best, and there is some undercurrent in her music that just makes me want to cheer and cry and wave my fists in protest and triumph. Listening to Pura Fé is like having church all by yourself.

Did another search this week, and realized that I had a lot of catching up to do. I’d missed Hold the Rain in 2008, and Caution to the Wind way back in 1995. I’m still waiting for Hold the Rain (from CDbaby,) but I was able to order a used copy of Caution to the Wind on Amazon. It’s very early Pura Fé, and has a definite 90s influence. There’s a really good cover of “I Want to Be where You Are.” And “Bye Bye Missy Blue” has got to be my favorite. It’s sad and bluesy but also oddly singable. It reminds me of Manhattan Transfer from that era, and also of Phyllis Hyman. The most recent collection, Full Moon Rising, is available on iTunes, and that’s been in heavy rotation for me. “Mahk Jchi” is a favorite, and appears on a few of her albums; but every time I hear it, it’s different. I think that I remember reading that this song went gold in Italy, which makes me so happy. I’m glad that this music is appreciated somewhere in the world.

Pur Fé is the real deal. She trained as a dancer when she was younger, moved back to North Carolina to be close to her native Tuscarora community, and she works tirelessly to advance the rights of Native Americans. She taught herself how to play slide guitar, and she’s a natural.

Now! Also on the Smoke Signals soundtrack was a fellah named Jim Boyd. I didn’t know a lot about him until recently, except that I liked his music. Honestly, I thought he was a much older man, because his voice carries all of this weight and wisdom. Now, I own some of his music, and I’ll probably go all completist and try to get my hands on everything that he’s ever recorded. Jim has a haunting, blues-influenced style that’s just made me want more. He was part of the Native American rock band XIT, but has reportedly developed his own style since then.  (You just know that I’m searching for XIT recordings already, right?) He can also reduce me to tears. “Father and Farther” on the Smoke Signals soundtrack was an early favorite for me, as was “A Million Miles Away.” I just downloaded First Come, Last Served from Amazon, and the Live Cd from his band Kyo-T.

Jim is another musician who is following his own path. He walked away from rock and the fast life to get sober and play his own stuff. He is constantly approached by the larger music publishing companies, but that’s not for him. He lives with his wife and son on the same reservation where he spent a lot of his youth. He’s friends with and has spent a lot of time making music with author Sherman Alexie, who wrote the screenplay for Smoke Signals, and is an award-winning author. Boyd seems to be self-deprecating and unassuming, and his music is in turns plaintive, rollicking and just quietly hard-hitting.

As if all that wasn’t enough for me, I found a 3-CD a collection called Indian Rezervation Blues & More. My jaw dropped. I drooled. The set didn’t seem to be on sale in the US, so I looked around. I found it on a few UK sites, but was really happy when I found it on the French version of Amazon. This is the stuff that dreams are made of. I haven’t received my copy yet, and probably won’t for a few weeks. The clips are definitely drool-worthy. Boyd is featured, as is Pura Fé. There are lots of other artists that I can’t wait to become acquainted with on this collection. There are some clips lurking out there on the net if you want to seek those out, and it’s worth it. Trust me. And you want this. You just don’t know it yet.

And I have been SO much worse/bad/naughty when it comes to downloading music, but I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. I should be out running, but I just don’t want to go back outside. I’m going to do an hour on the bike, then row. That should do it.

Also, I  took down an old pattern that needed reworking in a fine-gauge wool, and it’s an old favorite. I was a quarter up the back last time I looked, and I still have to regraph the front. But it’s coming. I’m also doing another artists’ trading card exchange, and the deadline LOOMS. After I work out to tonight I’m gonna listen to music and be creative. I scoured the house yesterday, and now I can think. When it’s cluttered in my home, I can’t work. So now, I have no excuses.

Mad Love,

G.

Photo by xatcom at sxc.hu

The hmming and hawing is over, and I know where I’m going for vacation this year. I’m taking myself to Paris. I was looking at fares and such one evening, and based on a complex system that involves budget, timing and gut instinct, this is my decision. I’m sort of an intermediate traveler right now. I’m not quite ready for the big time. The big time would be something less traditional, like my plans/dreams to travel to the Pacific Rim. I think that the trip after this one will be somewhere like Tokyo. (Although I’m also liking the idea of Buenos Aires.) And after that, I can tackle the plans I have for Thailand. I’ll be towards the end of school then, so hopefully, I’ll have the money to do these things. But I’ll keep saving and planning, and I’ll do my best to get those trips done.

At any rate, Paris it is for New Year’s, and I’m going it alone. I invited family, but they don’t want to go. In fact, I’m in hot water because I’ll be missing Christmas for the first time. Ever. I usually eschew parties on New Year’s Eve to stay at home and contemplate what I want to do for the next year. Then I get up the next day and run, because I think that’s a great way to start the new year. I can do those things in Paris. That’s a long while from now, but that’s ok. The summer and fall are likely to be a lot of brutally hard word for me. The promise of Paris should get me through.

I had this moment of oddness. I was thinking about the trip and thought, something like, “How sad. There won’t be anyone to take pictures of me.” That’s pretty much bullshit. That’s a vanity! lol! I’ll know I was there, and I can soak up the city on my own. The city is the star on this road trip, so I’ll take pictures of her. I’m renting an apartment,  I’m looking at cooking classes and brushing up on my French. (I had about 6 years of it.) And there are some performances that I’d love to catch while I’m there. Balanchine, baby! This is the way for me to go.

I was also thinking about my comments about Blue Stockings a few posts back. I knew the general term and some of the history, but decided to do a little more research. That made want to do a lot more research. These are my people. The article on Wikipedia states that:

The Blue Stockings Society of England emerged in the middle of the eighteenth century, around the year 1750, and waned in popularity at the end of the eighteenth century. It was a loose organization of privileged women with an interest in education to gather together to discuss literature while inviting educated men to participate. The Blue Stockings Society leaders and hostesses were Elizabeth Montagu and Elizabeth Vesey. The women involved in this group generally had more education and fewer children than most English women of the time. During this time period only men attended universities and women were expected to master skills such as needlework and knitting: “It was considered “unbecoming” for them to know Greek or Latin, almost immodest for them to be authors, and certainly indiscreet to own the fact. Mrs. Barbauld was merely the echo of popular sentiment when she protested that women did not want colleges. “The best way for a woman to acquire knowledge,” she wrote, “is from conversation with a father, or brother, or friend. [1]

Gods, was I born at the right time, or what? I love these women who broke away from the social norm to gain more knowledge. And I almost like the idea of writing a scholarly book or a novel about them. I’ll think on it. I’m already dithering over two books that need finishing, so this would need to sit on the back burner for a long time.

My running is coming along, and I’ve got a nice friendly competition going on over at Nike Plus. I should be doing a long run right now, but I don’t think that I want to. It’ll have to be tomorrow. It’s been a long week, and I want to stay in and read and work on stuff today. I can catch up tomorrow. Tomorrow is yard work and laundry and cleaning the house.

What am I reading? Almost done with A Mad Dash, picked up Dance of Days, and I’m going back to Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Suzuki Roshi. I kind of love Suzuki Roshi. How can you not love a guy who said, “All of you are perfect just as you are and you could use a little improvement.”[2] I’ve been reading more about him because of my interest in Edward Espe Brown and cooking. (Was reading this about Instructions for the Cook today, and I have to get the little book that the talks are based on. I love the practice of cooking, and it’s my favorite way to be present right now.) And Zen Mind is considered a classic, so it’s time that I finish it.

What am I listening to? The running makes me want harder music, so I’m getting into some harder stuff. Finally gave in to Rob Zombie, and Dragula is in heavy rotation for me lately. Also Cypress Hill, which is a whole ‘nother thing. Been listening to Girls Against Boys, New Wet Kojak and Fake Shark Real Zombie.

Gonna go read some more, then at least use the bike today. An easy day doesn’t exactly mean a day off!

Mad Love,

G.

Coherent thought coming later. I just had to get this out. Yesterday it was Dragula. I am such a weirdo! (But I’m a happy weirdo.)

G.

It’s almost seven AM, and I am on the verge of running away. There is a big THING that happens close to my house every year, and this is the weekend. Yesterday, I stayed in the house all day to avoid the traffic. Today, I’m on the lam. I’m hitting the gym, going to meditate, then meeting the girls for lunch. Might be possible to sneak home after that. Or I can just go do yard work at my mom’s. (I’d rather do that on  Tuesday afternoon, but what the heck?) Hopefully, by then I can come home, get ready for my week, and the craziness will be over for another year. I’m not begrudging people their happiness. Logistics just become a nightmare, so I try to avoid all of it.

I did sneak in a walk yesterday. I took a different route, since I was afraid I wouldn’t get back here in time. Generally, I want to be where there are no cars and no dogs, so I run on very controlled routes. This was not that. I did get up early enough, so there weren’t many cars around. Think I missed the dogwalkers, too. There was a lot of poured concrete to dodge, which I could do without. It’s really hard on my knee. But it wasn’t too bad.  I got in almost exactly two miles, then I was able to go home and avoid any guilt.

No knitting last week, but I do feel better. It’s a relief. My brief  decline had me thinking that I’d never feel better, and that I was slipping into a depression. So glad that won’t be the case. I spent a lot of my life being depressed, and I fight it tooth and nail. Everyone has bad days, and of course I still have a bad day now and again. But the difference between having a bad day and really being depressed is the difference between walking under rainy overcast skies for a while, or being stuck in a deep lightless cave with no light and having no idea where the entrance is. I’m not going back there if  I can help it.

Still catching up to knitting. I enjoyed a few days of coming home and feeling fine. I read a lot, skipped out on running a few times, and just came home to read and enjoy the pets and the sunshine. It was a great week, and now I have to focus on getting some stuff done. And then there will be summer and concerts and lots of extra daylight, and I will be at home reading textbooks, which is exactly what I want to do.

Mad Love,

G.

Nerd that I am, I’ve already started with the books for school. I was goofing around online, and found a number of books on mindfulness and social work. Naturally, I ordered a few right away. Poor impulse control! So I now have Cognitive Behavior Therapy in Clinical Social Work Practice and Mindfulness-Based Treatment Approaches: Clinician’s Guide to Evidence Base and Applications. I actually had enough control to just move a few to my wishlist.

That’s amazing in itself. I’ve really felt foggy and draggy for days. And when I feel that bad, I shop. There is nothing in me that believes that buying stuff, having stuff or getting stuff will really make me happy. However, I’ve also enjoyed the distraction. I’ve come home at night and ordered Avon, tee shirts and books, and downloaded all sorts of music from Amazon. I paid the bills first. So I feel bad, but not bad enough. I’ll have to be more restrained for the rest of the week.

No knitting, since I’ve felt like crap. Hopefully, that’s changing. And I finished Dave’s indexing project on Sunday, and I’m starting another one. I’m really looking forward to a much better week.

G.