Always Choices, and Everything is Change

I’m sitting on the couch watching No Impact Man (which I love,) and trying to get motivated to do more work. I promised a classmate that I would help her with our statistics project, and I haven’t done that yet. I don’t want to read anymore today. I spent something like six hours reading today, and I’m sort of over it. I also need to create a PowerPoint template for a group project, and that idea exhausts me as well. I really need to pull it together. Running? Need to, don’t want to, and it’s getting critical if I really think that I’m going to run/walk thirteen miles in three weeks.

School is still awesome, but I’m so painfully aware of all of my own crappy issues right now. I think that I notice it so much sooner when I do something mean or stupid. And it’s painful to realize that I’ve said or done something mean or stupid, and then I have to go back and work it out, with myself or with the person to whom I was mean or stupid. And I’ve been struggling with “fitting in” in the classroom environment, which seems to activate all of my ego issues. So I’m talking a LOT and I’m on my high horse a lot instead of just letting things flow and being myself. And of course, again, I can see it happening but I’m always a step behind, not in time to just curtail whatever objectionable behavior I’m up to. I’m trying to observe this behavior and not be super critical of myself, and then to try to not do it again or to just do it less often. I’ll have to see how it goes. I’m almost through the first semester, I have a LOT of change in my life right now, and there is going to be some weirdness for me. So I’m just going to keep chugging along and see who I’m becoming, and try not to drive myself crazy or exhibit massive assholiness in the process. I’ll work it all out.

There has been knitting. I knit a lot last weekend, mostly the shawl in the picture above. I’m chipping away at the edging, and that might be what I want to do tonight. My knitting in class this week was way off, because I have just been tired. I realized that I need to start any Christmas knitting that I want to do, and immediately. My last day of my old job is this Wednesday, three days from now. That should give me a little space to keep ahead on my assignments, knit a little more, and maintain some sanity via fiber therapy.

I can’t complain. My life is good. My worst day right now is better than the most of the best days that I’ve had for more than a decade. I feel really alive. My brain is humming with new info, and I am stretching and growing in new ways. Right now, that is everything that I want.

G.

Woman on Top

I was up at 5:00 this morning, which isn’t that unusual. My eyes just pop open at that time, end of story. The weird thing is that I might be getting a handle on this school thing. It hasn’t been horrible, and I really love the whole experience; but I always feel as if I’m running a few steps behind. I constructed this excruciatingly meticulous calendar in iCal, and I’m constantly surprised by assignments that I forgot or something new that a professor updated in the middle of the night. So this week, I acknowledge that I can’t take Saturday and/or Sunday off, completely. I have to be on the job every day. If I really want a clean house, I have to hustle. If I don’t want to be up the night before a deadline writing a paper, I have to stay on top of the reading. So I feel better right now. I had my coffee, the laundry is going, and I’m already 1.5 articles into a 4-article paper that’s due on Thursday. Boo. Yah.

I got some grades this week, and that makes me happy. People keep telling me “Grades don’t really matter in grad school,” and I keep thinking, “Who are you freaks??” Seriously, I understand that if you’re not trying to get into a PhD program, it’s only the licensure that matters. But I am; so I care, a lot.

Didn’t actually get any knitting done this week. I’ve only been knitting in class, and I’m trying to change that. This week, I was just tired and worn down, so I didn’t even knit there. It is Socktober, so I stopped in at my LYS and picked up some bright crimson sock yarn. And I have some pretty Regia from the week before. I’ve decided that I’ll stop in at the store every week to buy enough yarn for at least one pair of socks until it really starts to seem imprudent to do so. We’re not there yet.

Oh, and after not wanting to constantly be plugged in all the time for so many years, I’ve become one of those people who wanders around, looking for free wi-fi. It would be funny, if it didn’t feel so much like an addiction.

And that’s all. I’m trying to manage my hopes and my expectations, my time and my disappointments. So far, so good.

G.

PS – Finally saw Paranormal Activity yesterday. Yikes! I can’t say it was exactly scary, but it was incredibly, freaking disturbing. (shudder) I won’t be watching that again, anytime soon.

The Ones Who Follow the Rules, And Meet Themselves at the Schools…

It’s funny how quickly your life can change. I got into grad school, I’m attending full-time, and my life is a happy round of papers and presentations and research. It seems as if it happened very quickly. Once I realized that the class schedule wouldn’t allow me to work full-time, I quit my job, agreed to stay on part-time for a few months, and now I’m mostly a student. I’ve been afraid of lay-offs for the past few years, and I pared my lifestyle to the bare bone. So I can afford to live on a shoe string for a couple of years, and things are going pretty well (knock wood.)

And it’s a blast. I love my classes. I love the work that I’m doing. I’m frequently sleep deprived and addled and drag around like a zombie (the slow kind.) But this is so good. SO good!

A lot of my friends wonder how I could give up graphic design. That’s easy: I haven’t. I don’t think you ever stop being a designer. I’ve been playing with fabric and fiber and paints and pencils for as long as I can remember. So that’s never really going anywhere. Right now, though, I’m in between careers and it is a little weird. I still consider myself a graphic designer. But I’m also starting to think of myself as a mental health practitioner. I think that’s a good thing.

At any rate, I know that I need to update patterns for you guys. I haven’t had time to go on Ravelry, or to fix the broken pattern links there. Many apologies! I’ll try to do that this weekend. I’m thinking about some new stuff, too. Seems that when I’m using one side of my brain too much, the other side starts to fire itself up to compete for time. Maybe I’ll have to do some research, and see why that is. And to keep myself busy, I’ve begun what feels like the beginning of an epic sock binge, while I sit in lectures. Now how do you like that?

I also bought a laptop for school (MacBook, baby!) So maybe portable blogging just got easier? We’ll see.

Mad Love,

G.

You can always get what you want (if you’re always happy with what you get)

Playing right now: Essential Alice in Chains and Nick Drake Five Leaves Left

Guess I missed a few weeks. I can’t believe I’ve been so busy. That’s not a bad thing; it just always surprises me. Unfortunately, missing a bit leaves me with all of these things that I’ve seen and want to talk about, and then I have to resist writing a 20-page post for everyone’s sake.

So where to start? Well, I got a very lovely surprise in the mail. Came home the other night and there was a package with yarn and a nice Rowan magazine in my mail bin. Thanks Glacia! The colors of the yarn are lovely. And in spite of my knit-drought, I felt inspired the minute I touched the yarn. The feel of the wool under my hands made me want to drag out my needles. I haven’t yet, but I know that I will today. There are also quite a few patterns that I want to make from the Rowan. I really don’t like Other People’s Patterns, most of the time. But I saw some things in the magazine, some nice layering pieces, that might be nice for work, and even for Paris in the winter. J’adore!

I love the Mail!

My CDs came today! Thank you French Amazon! J’taime, chere! It’s even infinitely more amazing than I thought it might be . BABY! You know there’s a long review coming, but not tonight. Tonight, I’m wiped out. It’s been a long week, and it’s only Thursday. More to go. Miles to go before I sleep, and all that good stuff. (Though I have to say that quiet, dark, deep woods might creep me out a bit. Read the poem. Don’t make me explain it.) I’ve been training and cross-training like a crazy woman. This is my first night off since Sunday. I’ve been biking, rowing and running diligently. But I’m also done in. I actually overslept this morning, which really didn’t make my life any easier.

Knitting? Not. Want to, but I need some organization and a point of reference. I need to get things where I can I find them. That’s for this weekend, too.

So I come home at night and read and crash. It’s not bad.

Mad Love,

G.

Back to somebody’s musical roots: Pura Fé and Jim Boyd

Tig is sitting in my lap, and I am listening to the amazing Pura Fé. I’ve been catching up on the Native American music scene all week, and I am  so far beyond happy that there isn’t even a word for it. There was new stuff from my favorites, and I have been an ordering and downloading fool all week. This is really great music, and it sucks that you’ll probably never hear it on mainstream radio. But it’s easy enough to find, these days if you’re looking for it.

I think that the first time that I heard live Native American music was at The Wetlands in New York City. (They’ve long since closed, which makes me sad.) I’d heard a group called Ulali on the soundtrack of a a movie called Smoke Signals, and I had to hear them live. This group of three women came onstage with drums and just started belting out this music that was part soul, part blues, part traditional Native American, and that was it. I was a fan of Ulali for life. Unfortunately, the group didn’t stay together. The internet wasn’t then what it is now, so keeping up with new music and ordering hard to find CDs wasn’t yet an easy thing. I got into a few Native American rock bands and hung around the powwow circuit, but there was just nothing like Ulali.

Paris and more on Blue Stockings

Photo by xatcom at sxc.hu

The hmming and hawing is over, and I know where I’m going for vacation this year. I’m taking myself to Paris. I was looking at fares and such one evening, and based on a complex system that involves budget, timing and gut instinct, this is my decision. I’m sort of an intermediate traveler right now. I’m not quite ready for the big time. The big time would be something less traditional, like my plans/dreams to travel to the Pacific Rim. I think that the trip after this one will be somewhere like Tokyo. (Although I’m also liking the idea of Buenos Aires.) And after that, I can tackle the plans I have for Thailand. I’ll be towards the end of school then, so hopefully, I’ll have the money to do these things. But I’ll keep saving and planning, and I’ll do my best to get those trips done.

At any rate, Paris it is for New Year’s, and I’m going it alone. I invited family, but they don’t want to go. In fact, I’m in hot water because I’ll be missing Christmas for the first time. Ever. I usually eschew parties on New Year’s Eve to stay at home and contemplate what I want to do for the next year. Then I get up the next day and run, because I think that’s a great way to start the new year. I can do those things in Paris. That’s a long while from now, but that’s ok. The summer and fall are likely to be a lot of brutally hard word for me. The promise of Paris should get me through.

Spiral Starcase, stuck in my head

Coherent thought coming later. I just had to get this out. Yesterday it was Dragula. I am such a weirdo! (But I’m a happy weirdo.)

G.

My Great Escape

It’s almost seven AM, and I am on the verge of running away. There is a big THING that happens close to my house every year, and this is the weekend. Yesterday, I stayed in the house all day to avoid the traffic. Today, I’m on the lam. I’m hitting the gym, going to meditate, then meeting the girls for lunch. Might be possible to sneak home after that. Or I can just go do yard work at my mom’s. (I’d rather do that on  Tuesday afternoon, but what the heck?) Hopefully, by then I can come home, get ready for my week, and the craziness will be over for another year. I’m not begrudging people their happiness. Logistics just become a nightmare, so I try to avoid all of it.

I did sneak in a walk yesterday. I took a different route, since I was afraid I wouldn’t get back here in time. Generally, I want to be where there are no cars and no dogs, so I run on very controlled routes. This was not that. I did get up early enough, so there weren’t many cars around. Think I missed the dogwalkers, too. There was a lot of poured concrete to dodge, which I could do without. It’s really hard on my knee. But it wasn’t too bad.  I got in almost exactly two miles, then I was able to go home and avoid any guilt.

No knitting last week, but I do feel better. It’s a relief. My brief  decline had me thinking that I’d never feel better, and that I was slipping into a depression. So glad that won’t be the case. I spent a lot of my life being depressed, and I fight it tooth and nail. Everyone has bad days, and of course I still have a bad day now and again. But the difference between having a bad day and really being depressed is the difference between walking under rainy overcast skies for a while, or being stuck in a deep lightless cave with no light and having no idea where the entrance is. I’m not going back there if  I can help it.

Still catching up to knitting. I enjoyed a few days of coming home and feeling fine. I read a lot, skipped out on running a few times, and just came home to read and enjoy the pets and the sunshine. It was a great week, and now I have to focus on getting some stuff done. And then there will be summer and concerts and lots of extra daylight, and I will be at home reading textbooks, which is exactly what I want to do.

Mad Love,

G.

Weirdness and Digital Downloads

MUCH weirdness of late. I’ve had this lassitude and mental fogginess and my stomach has been worse than ever. This has been really frustrating, since there are lots of things that I want to do. But I’ve been dragging through the days, getting by on energy drinks and coffee. (I know… Neither is any good for the lining of one’s stomach.) Finally, I had an epiphany yesterday. I think it’s a B12 deficiency. You could argue that I’ve only been a vegetarian for a little more than a year. But I was also a very heavy drinker when I was younger, I’ve always had problems with my stomach and I haven’t eaten much meat or dairy for years. The body can store up to about five years worth of B12. But given all of these other factors, I think I could be in a little trouble. I ordered a heavy duty vegan supplement, and had it overnighted right away. And I’ll actually go to see my doc as soon as I can, to verify. I was reading that this is one of the most misdiagnosed illnesses around. I can see how that might be. But if I’ve actually figured this out, a lot of things might improve for me. Unchecked, you can actually sustain irreparable neurological damage. I don’t think this has gotten that far for me, and that would be good. That’s the last thing anyone needs.

Nerd that I am, I’ve already started with the books for school. I was goofing around online, and found a number of books on mindfulness and social work. Naturally, I ordered a few right away. Poor impulse control! So I now have Cognitive Behavior Therapy in Clinical Social Work Practice and Mindfulness-Based Treatment Approaches: Clinician’s Guide to Evidence Base and Applications. I actually had enough control to just move a few to my wishlist.

That’s amazing in itself. I’ve really felt foggy and draggy for days. And when I feel that bad, I shop. There is nothing in me that believes that buying stuff, having stuff or getting stuff will really make me happy. However, I’ve also enjoyed the distraction. I’ve come home at night and ordered Avon, tee shirts and books, and downloaded all sorts of music from Amazon. I paid the bills first. So I feel bad, but not bad enough. I’ll have to be more restrained for the rest of the week.

No knitting, since I’ve felt like crap. Hopefully, that’s changing. And I finished Dave’s indexing project on Sunday, and I’m starting another one. I’m really looking forward to a much better week.

G.